Funny Quotes
Employees make the best dates. You don’t have to pick them up and they’re always tax-deductible.
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Everybody winds up kissing the wrong person goodnight.
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I believe in low lights and trick mirrors.
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I have Social Disease. I have to go out every night. If I stay home one night I start spreading rumors to my dogs.
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I keep reading about this, erm, Indian guy that turns out like three or four thousand pictures a minute…or maybe it’s a day.
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I love him, I worship him. I masturbate to Duran Duran videos.
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I never read. I just look at pictures.
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I never think that people die. They just go to department stores.
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Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.
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A woman is the only thing I am afraid of that I know will not hurt me.
Not all guys want sex, because some of them want a relationship. Not all guys like Black Ops, because loving you is more fun. Not all men will hurt you, because some men are decent people. Not all men will abuse you, because some men like to see you smile. However, all those guys are gay.
A positive attitude may not solve all of your problems, but it’ll annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
Herm Albright
Is it just me or do those red foil wrapped Hershey’s kisses taste almost identical to the silver foil Hershey’s kisses? I’ll keep testing.
Jim Gaffigan