Funny Quotes
I don’t think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.
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Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
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And how does gravity work? And if it were to cease suddenly, would certain restaurants still require a jacket?
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Death is an acquired trait.
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As the poet said, ‘Only God can make a tree’ — probably because it’s so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
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Basically my wife was immature. I’d be at home in the bath and she’d come in and sink my boats.
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Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have declared you legally insane in order to gain control of your estate.
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Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.
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I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.
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Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.
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Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?
Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, ‘Be fruitful and multiply,’ but not in those words.
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My internet keeps going down. I think my neighbor forgot to pay the bill, how irresponsible.
Don’t you know that a man being rich is like a girl being pretty? You wouldn’t marry a girl just because she’s pretty, but my goodness, doesn’t it help?
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Ever notice how ‘what the hell’ is always the right answer?
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