Woody Allen Quotes
Is sex dirty? Only if it’s done right.
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After all, there are worse things in life than death. If you’ve ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman, you know what I’m talking about.
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A fast word about oral contraception. I was involved in an extremely good example of oral contraception two weeks ago. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said “no.”
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Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes. Comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.
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Don’t knock masturbation. It’s sex with someone I love.
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I’m such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.
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94.5% of all statistics are made up.
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I don’t think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.
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Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
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And how does gravity work? And if it were to cease suddenly, would certain restaurants still require a jacket?
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Death is an acquired trait.
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As the poet said, ‘Only God can make a tree’ — probably because it’s so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
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Death doesn’t really worry me that much; I’m not frightened about it. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.
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Basically my wife was immature. I’d be at home in the bath and she’d come in and sink my boats.
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Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have declared you legally insane in order to gain control of your estate.
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