I hate listening to people's dreams. It is like flipping through a stack of photographs. If I'm not in any of them and nobody is having sex, I just don't care.

Well, dude, it's not that they like us, it's that they don't like you. You know why? Uhh... because you're an asshole!

Domino, biatch!

Dee: How could you not tell me you were gay?

Terrell: I'm a musical theater actor living in Philadelphia! I didn't think it was that big a secret.

Dennis: [at an abortion rally] I think all these chicks are gay.

Dee: Yeah, I don't know that they're gay, I think they can just smell how disgusting you are.

Dennis: Pff...sucks for me.

Dee: Are you actually gonna throw away all your convictions for a chance to get laid?

Dennis: I don't really have any convictions.

Oh my God! I will...I will smash your face into- into a jelly!

Dennis: We could get into a lot of trouble for this.

Dee: And we also have a social responsibility to keep teenagers from drinking.

Charlie: I guess.

Mac: Well, I don’t know about that, though. Hold on, I mean, wait a second, hear me out, hear me out: it wasn’t that long ago that we were in the same position as these youngsters, right? I mean, we’d get kicked out of some bar and what did we do, Den? We would get a bunch of forties from a homeless guy and we would go sit in some park.

Charlie: That is true.

Mac: That is absolutely true. And what would happen? We would almost get raped and/or murdered and/or stabbed by the crackheads in Fairmount Park.

Dee: Hello, Stephen.

Charlie: You want to know what else what would happen? We drove Nicky Potnick’s car into a tree on Kelly Drive.

Dennis: With Sweet Dee in the back seat, puking all over the headrest because some guy talked to her that she liked, remember that? Every time some guy talks to you that you like, you get so nervous that you drink yourself into oblivion.

Dee: No, no, I had bad potato salad.

Mac: You abused alcohol, and that’s OK, that’s OK, but it’s very dangerous, right? Right? Well, maybe we should look at this whole thing from a different angle. Maybe we have a social responsibility to provide a safe haven for these kids to be kids. You know, experiment!

Dee: No, I don’t like where this is headed.

Dee: I never statutory raped anyone before.

Trey: Oh...okay, I'll tell you what: let's just take it slow.

Dee: You are so sweet...where were you when I was in high school?

Trey: I was eight.

Dee: Right...Yeah...

Dennis, our bar is in south Philly in a scary alley...might as well call it "Rape Bar."

Look, the girl, she wears a Lance Armstrong bracelet, ok? So I tell you I have cancer, right? Then you're gonna tell her, she's going to feel sorry for me, we're going to start dating, and that's the way the lie works!

Charlie: All right look at this, sometimes you've got to crack a few eggs to make an omelet.

Dennis: You've got to crack a couple eggs to make an omelet?

Charlie: Yeah, you gotta crack an egg.

Dennis: So you're throwing down life lessons now?

Charlie: I'm throwing down eggs!

Dennis: Class is in session, the teacher's teaching class now!

Charlie: I'm cracking eggs of wisdom!

Dee: Oh, you are being ridiculous. He's a professional football player.

Mac: No, look, I'm not talking about killing the guy. I'm just talking about going up there with a group of dudes and intimidate him, maybe break his arm.

Dee: You can't break Tom Brady's arm.

Mac: Oh yes, I can! No more Super Bowls for that pretty boy.

I have a little bit of a problem with old people...I find them kinda creepy...and scary. And gross, kinda gross. It's their hands really, you can see right through 'em and all their inside business.

Dude, Your Grandpa's a Nazi!