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It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (Season 1) | Television Quotes
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Dennis, Episode 1
I hate listening to people's dreams. It is like flipping through a stack of photographs. If I'm not in any of them and nobody is having sex, I just don't care.
Charlie, Episode 1
Well, dude, it's not that they like us, it's that they don't like you. You know why? Uhh... because you're an asshole!
Charlie, Episode 1
Domino, biatch!
Episode 1
Dee: How could you not tell me you were gay?
Terrell: I'm a musical theater actor living in Philadelphia! I didn't think it was that big a secret.
Terrell: I'm a musical theater actor living in Philadelphia! I didn't think it was that big a secret.
Episode 2
Dennis: [at an abortion rally] I think all these chicks are gay.
Dee: Yeah, I don't know that they're gay, I think they can just smell how disgusting you are.
Dennis: Pff...sucks for me.
Dee: Yeah, I don't know that they're gay, I think they can just smell how disgusting you are.
Dennis: Pff...sucks for me.
Episode 2
Dee: Are you actually gonna throw away all your convictions for a chance to get laid?
Dennis: I don't really have any convictions.
Dennis: I don't really have any convictions.
Charlie, Episode 2 - Threat
Oh my God! I will...I will smash your face into- into a jelly!
Episode 3
Dennis: We could get into a lot of trouble for this.
Dee: And we also have a social responsibility to keep teenagers from drinking.
Charlie: I guess.
Mac: Well, I don’t know about that, though. Hold on, I mean, wait a second, hear me out, hear me out: it wasn’t that long ago that we were in the same position as these youngsters, right? I mean, we’d get kicked out of some bar and what did we do, Den? We would get a bunch of forties from a homeless guy and we would go sit in some park.
Charlie: That is true.
Mac: That is absolutely true. And what would happen? We would almost get raped and/or murdered and/or stabbed by the crackheads in Fairmount Park.
Dee: Hello, Stephen.
Charlie: You want to know what else what would happen? We drove Nicky Potnick’s car into a tree on Kelly Drive.
Dennis: With Sweet Dee in the back seat, puking all over the headrest because some guy talked to her that she liked, remember that? Every time some guy talks to you that you like, you get so nervous that you drink yourself into oblivion.
Dee: No, no, I had bad potato salad.
Mac: You abused alcohol, and that’s OK, that’s OK, but it’s very dangerous, right? Right? Well, maybe we should look at this whole thing from a different angle. Maybe we have a social responsibility to provide a safe haven for these kids to be kids. You know, experiment!
Dee: No, I don’t like where this is headed.
Dee: And we also have a social responsibility to keep teenagers from drinking.
Charlie: I guess.
Mac: Well, I don’t know about that, though. Hold on, I mean, wait a second, hear me out, hear me out: it wasn’t that long ago that we were in the same position as these youngsters, right? I mean, we’d get kicked out of some bar and what did we do, Den? We would get a bunch of forties from a homeless guy and we would go sit in some park.
Charlie: That is true.
Mac: That is absolutely true. And what would happen? We would almost get raped and/or murdered and/or stabbed by the crackheads in Fairmount Park.
Dee: Hello, Stephen.
Charlie: You want to know what else what would happen? We drove Nicky Potnick’s car into a tree on Kelly Drive.
Dennis: With Sweet Dee in the back seat, puking all over the headrest because some guy talked to her that she liked, remember that? Every time some guy talks to you that you like, you get so nervous that you drink yourself into oblivion.
Dee: No, no, I had bad potato salad.
Mac: You abused alcohol, and that’s OK, that’s OK, but it’s very dangerous, right? Right? Well, maybe we should look at this whole thing from a different angle. Maybe we have a social responsibility to provide a safe haven for these kids to be kids. You know, experiment!
Dee: No, I don’t like where this is headed.
Episode 3
Dee: I never statutory raped anyone before.
Trey: Oh...okay, I'll tell you what: let's just take it slow.
Dee: You are so sweet...where were you when I was in high school?
Trey: I was eight.
Dee: Right...Yeah...
Trey: Oh...okay, I'll tell you what: let's just take it slow.
Dee: You are so sweet...where were you when I was in high school?
Trey: I was eight.
Dee: Right...Yeah...
Dee, Episode 4
Dennis, our bar is in south Philly in a scary alley...might as well call it "Rape Bar."
Charlie, Episode 4
Look, the girl, she wears a Lance Armstrong bracelet, ok? So I tell you I have cancer, right? Then you're gonna tell her, she's going to feel sorry for me, we're going to start dating, and that's the way the lie works!
Episode 4
Charlie: All right look at this, sometimes you've got to crack a few eggs to make an omelet.
Dennis: You've got to crack a couple eggs to make an omelet?
Charlie: Yeah, you gotta crack an egg.
Dennis: So you're throwing down life lessons now?
Charlie: I'm throwing down eggs!
Dennis: Class is in session, the teacher's teaching class now!
Charlie: I'm cracking eggs of wisdom!
Dennis: You've got to crack a couple eggs to make an omelet?
Charlie: Yeah, you gotta crack an egg.
Dennis: So you're throwing down life lessons now?
Charlie: I'm throwing down eggs!
Dennis: Class is in session, the teacher's teaching class now!
Charlie: I'm cracking eggs of wisdom!
Episode 6
Dee: Oh, you are being ridiculous. He's a professional football player.
Mac: No, look, I'm not talking about killing the guy. I'm just talking about going up there with a group of dudes and intimidate him, maybe break his arm.
Dee: You can't break Tom Brady's arm.
Mac: Oh yes, I can! No more Super Bowls for that pretty boy.
Mac: No, look, I'm not talking about killing the guy. I'm just talking about going up there with a group of dudes and intimidate him, maybe break his arm.
Dee: You can't break Tom Brady's arm.
Mac: Oh yes, I can! No more Super Bowls for that pretty boy.
Dee, Episode 6
I have a little bit of a problem with old people...I find them kinda creepy...and scary. And gross, kinda gross. It's their hands really, you can see right through 'em and all their inside business.
Mac, Episode 6
Dude, Your Grandpa's a Nazi!
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Episode 1
Mac: Where's our bible?
Dee: Seriously..
Mac: God damnit, Dee, where is our bible?!
Frank: This is a bar!
Dee: Seriously..
Mac: God damnit, Dee, where is our bible?!
Frank: This is a bar!
Episode 1
Charlie: We'd be two cool, straight dudes married together.
Frank: Oooh. Well, I never thought of it that way. Two dudes getting married, that doesn't seem very gay.
Frank: Oooh. Well, I never thought of it that way. Two dudes getting married, that doesn't seem very gay.
Episode 1
Dennis: I am having feelings again. Like some kind of fourteen year old kid. You remember, feelings, right?
Mac: Yeah. I have feelings every single day of my life.
Dennis: Do you?
Mac: Are you saying you don't have feelings?
Dennis: What I'm saying is a built up a shell.. a shell around myself. A cold, calculated shell that couldn't be broken by anything but marriage.
Mac: Yeah. I have feelings every single day of my life.
Dennis: Do you?
Mac: Are you saying you don't have feelings?
Dennis: What I'm saying is a built up a shell.. a shell around myself. A cold, calculated shell that couldn't be broken by anything but marriage.
Episode 1
Frank: You proposing to me?
Charlie: No. We're already friends, right? Let's be friends with benefits.
Charlie: No. We're already friends, right? Let's be friends with benefits.
Frank, Episode 1
Who gives a shit if gays want to me miserable like everyone else and get married. Let em do it. No skin of my ass.
Mac, Episode 1
I gotta get my pump on.
Frank, Episode 1
What the shit are you talking about!?!?
Uncle Jack, Episode 2
Hey, Mac, do you mind snapping a photo of us for the website? Now, and could you just put your hands over my hands, so they look like my hands?
Frank, Episode 2
Being married to Charlie has me all confused, I gotta get my hetero on.
Dennis, Episode 2
All this talking about marriage and Dee being a whore got me thinking... I didn't have a bachelor party!
Episode 2
Dennis: There's cab fare on the night stand.
Maureen: That's the third morning in a row you did that. We're married, silly, I'm home already.
Maureen: That's the third morning in a row you did that. We're married, silly, I'm home already.
Charlie, Episode 3
You're a really good listener and I didn't peg you for one when we came in here because of the pinky ring.
Dennis, Episode 3
We've had our hearts sets on this boat for days now. Which, in our world, is a level of focus which I've personally never experienced.
Charlie, Episode 4
You keep on using this word "jabroni" and... it's awesome.
Mac, Episode 4
You can't censor me, bro, I'm kind of a badass.
Episode 5
Dee: I bet you don't even have any black people here.
Pool Guy: Excuse me, ma'am, but there's an African American family right there.
Dee: Well good for you. You keep a couple token ones around. Do you parade them around like a couple dancing monkeys?
Pool Guy: Excuse me, ma'am, but there's an African American family right there.
Dee: Well good for you. You keep a couple token ones around. Do you parade them around like a couple dancing monkeys?
Episode 5
Dennis: I'm jumping in the pool!
Frank: Plus, I'm gonna piss in it!
Frank: Plus, I'm gonna piss in it!
Episode 5
Dennis: You're born into class. It's about pedigree. It's about upbringing. It has nothing to do with your present circumstance.
Dee: See, Dennis and I were born upper class. Therefore, we currently are and will forever remain upper class. Frank, stop picking your teeth for one second and back us up here.
Dee: See, Dennis and I were born upper class. Therefore, we currently are and will forever remain upper class. Frank, stop picking your teeth for one second and back us up here.
Charlie, Episode 6
It's not really a Golden Girls type conversation, it's a racist conversation.
Episode 6
Mac: Mrs. Kelly, why are you doing everything in threes?
Mrs. Kelly: So Charlie doesn't die.
Mrs. Kelly: So Charlie doesn't die.
Charlie, Episode 6
I feel like if you and I were in a room with a perfectly good cheesecake, all sorts of conversation would start happening.
Episode 6
Dennis: Mrs. Mac has a unique and earthy fragrance.
Mrs. Mac: I smell like shit.
Mrs. Mac: I smell like shit.
Episode 7
Frank: We're trying to piece a night and we need your help.
Artemis: I don't remember that night.
Frank: I didn't tell you which night yet.
Artemis: I don't remember most evenings.
Artemis: I don't remember that night.
Frank: I didn't tell you which night yet.
Artemis: I don't remember most evenings.
Episode 7
Mac: I browned out that evening.
Frank: Browned out? What's browned out?
Mac: It's when you drink so much that everything goes brown. It's not as severe as a black out because I remember bits and pieces. I call it browning out.
Frank: Browned out? What's browned out?
Mac: It's when you drink so much that everything goes brown. It's not as severe as a black out because I remember bits and pieces. I call it browning out.
Mac, Season 7
Since we're all saying things we say all the time. I'll just reiterate. Dee, we don't care about you, or your body, or that baby bird.
Episode 8
Principal: I'm a little confused, are you telling me this photo of Bruce Jenner is your resume?
Charlie: Well, when I showed up this morning I didn't have a formal resume on me so i was sort of hoping the photograph of Mr. Jenner could represent the standard of excellence I'm hoping to bring to his position.
Charlie: Well, when I showed up this morning I didn't have a formal resume on me so i was sort of hoping the photograph of Mr. Jenner could represent the standard of excellence I'm hoping to bring to his position.
Episode 8
Charlie: Sir, I'm not gonna let you down. I'm gonna start cleaning immediately. But, first, can I eat the eraser?
Principal: You're saying you want to eat the eraser?
Charlie: I'm asking you if it's edible ‘cause it certainly smells of grapes.
Principal: I don't think it's edible.
Charlie: Can't I just test it?
Principal: I'd rather you didn't. I might need it later.
Charlie: Alright, you win this one. I'll pick up one of my own and I'll eat that one. That way everyone wins.
Principal: You're saying you want to eat the eraser?
Charlie: I'm asking you if it's edible ‘cause it certainly smells of grapes.
Principal: I don't think it's edible.
Charlie: Can't I just test it?
Principal: I'd rather you didn't. I might need it later.
Charlie: Alright, you win this one. I'll pick up one of my own and I'll eat that one. That way everyone wins.
Episode 8
Dee: Where's that inspirational man?
Teacher: My enthusiasm in those days was fueled entirely by the alcohol.
Teacher: My enthusiasm in those days was fueled entirely by the alcohol.
Episode 8
Dee: So I shouldn't give up on my dream?
Teacher: You must give up on your dream, it's far too late for you.
Teacher: You must give up on your dream, it's far too late for you.
Dennis, Episode 9
There's countless examples of very classy actors doing black face. We got the great C. Thomas Howell in Soul Man. We got the Wayans Brothers in White Chicks. That was a very tasteful example of reverse blackface.
Mac, Episode 9
They're actors. They're trying to create an illusion. In the Lord of the Rings movie, Ian McKellen plays a wizard. You think he goes home at night and shoots laser beams into his boyfriend's asshole? Tom cruise is a midget, but he plays guys that are normal size in movies.
Episode 9
Charlie: I'll tell you what. I'll take him down to the locker room. I'll lather him up real good. I'll strip all these silly clothes off him. I'm gonna clean him. Sparkling clean. Brand new kid for you.
Principal: No, please don't bathe the students.
Charlie: You're right. He's a big man. You can bathe yourself, can't you, Rich?
Richie: Yeah, dawg.
Charlie: He's bathing himself and I'm watching.
Principal: I'd rather you didn't do that either.
Principal: No, please don't bathe the students.
Charlie: You're right. He's a big man. You can bathe yourself, can't you, Rich?
Richie: Yeah, dawg.
Charlie: He's bathing himself and I'm watching.
Principal: I'd rather you didn't do that either.
Charlie, Episode 10
They're third dimension glasses. I don't really think they're working because I'm still seeing things in whatever dimension we live.
Dennis, Episode 10
My first instinct when you say you meet people under bridges is to berate you.
Frank, Episode 10
Charlie keeps a book of dreams and inspirations. They're mostly in pictures and symbols.
Episode 10
Charlie: Dee, if I go to a movie or a spaghetti place with you, out there I'm the rat.
Dee: What if I guarantee no one out there will put you into a bag and bash you against a telephone pole? Would that comfort you at all?
Charlie: No, that's a guarantee you can't make, Dee.
Dee: What if I guarantee no one out there will put you into a bag and bash you against a telephone pole? Would that comfort you at all?
Charlie: No, that's a guarantee you can't make, Dee.
Episode 10
Dee: You've been really stressed so I thought I'd take you to a spa day. Just the two of us.
Charlie: A what day?
Dee: Spa day.
Charlie: What is this word, spa? I feel like you're starting to a say a word and you're not finishing it. Spaghetti? Are you taking me to a spaghetti day?
Charlie: A what day?
Dee: Spa day.
Charlie: What is this word, spa? I feel like you're starting to a say a word and you're not finishing it. Spaghetti? Are you taking me to a spaghetti day?
Mac, Episode 11
Animals can see souls. That is a fact of nature.
Dee, Episode 11
I named him Peter Peter Nickel Eater, because last night in the car he tried to eat a nickel.
Byron, Episode 11
I will not suck you and I will not be sucked on by you.
Episode 11
Dee: I'm a hot single woman, he's a hot single man!
Frank: Dee, you're pregnant as shit.
Frank: Dee, you're pregnant as shit.
Episode 11
Charlie: Are you wearing makeup?
Dennis: I'm always wearing a little bit of foundation but that's not the point.
Dennis: I'm always wearing a little bit of foundation but that's not the point.
Episode 11
Frank: Animals should be food, rugs and trophies. Why do you think I'm wearing a leather suit?
Dee: That's leather? I thought it was plastic.
Frank: Who the hell wears a plastic suit?
Dee: I just don't question the things you do anymore.
Dee: That's leather? I thought it was plastic.
Frank: Who the hell wears a plastic suit?
Dee: I just don't question the things you do anymore.
Charlie, Episode 11
If animals have taught me anything, it's that you can easily die and very quickly under a bus and on the side of the road.
Episode 12
Charlie: Don't knock the sewer until you've tried the sewer.
Mac: How are you so clean?
Charlie: We take our clothes off so we don't get dirty.
Dennis: The two of you are walking around in the sewer naked looking for rings and coins?
Mac: How are you so clean?
Charlie: We take our clothes off so we don't get dirty.
Dennis: The two of you are walking around in the sewer naked looking for rings and coins?
Dee, Episode 12
Get out of my way, broken water, there is a baby inside of me running out of water.
Charlie, Episode 12
The sperm doesn't eat the egg to grow strong and become the baby?
Dennis, Episode 12
I will come down on this hospital like the hammer of Thor. The thunder of my vengeance will echo through these corridors like the gust of a thousand winds.
Episode 12
Mac: Instead of doing a My Two Dads kind of thing, we'll do a Three Men and a Baby type of thing!
Charlie: Both equally effective movies.
Charlie: Both equally effective movies.
Mac, Episode 12 - Parenting
Parenting is pretending you know what you're talking about, then jamming it down their throat!
Dennis, Episode 12
God, what an irritating thing babies are!
Mac, Episode 13
Based on that story, I'm fairly certain those Santas were running a train on your mother for money.
Episode 13
Mac: No, your other left.
Charlie: My other left? I only have one left.
Mac: It's just an expression. Just move it to the other direction.
Charlie: What would that expression be for? For someone with two lefts?
Mac: No, just move it the other way.
Charlie: Towards your left?
Mac: Your left and my left are the same left because we're facing the same direction.
Charlie: Eh, we're two different people so we can't have the same left. It doesn't make sense.
Charlie: My other left? I only have one left.
Mac: It's just an expression. Just move it to the other direction.
Charlie: What would that expression be for? For someone with two lefts?
Mac: No, just move it the other way.
Charlie: Towards your left?
Mac: Your left and my left are the same left because we're facing the same direction.
Charlie: Eh, we're two different people so we can't have the same left. It doesn't make sense.
Dennis, Episode 14
If you think Jesus and the lord are so great, why don't have you have them swing by in their Lamborghinis and drive you home?
Frank, Episode 14
Deandra. That's not gonna be my future. I'm not gonna be buried in a grave. When I'm dead, just throw me in the trash.
Charlie, Episode 14
Did you sex my mom, Santa Claus?
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Roxy, Episode 1
This jacket is awesome, and it’s tighter than dick skin.
Dee, Episode 1 - Alcohol
You downed that bottle of Schnapps like it was soda.
Dennis, Episode 2 - Insult, Jersey
There are far worse people at the Jersey shore than the cast of Jersey Shore!
Mac, Episode 2
We’re in the steroid capital of the world.
Dee, Episode 2 - Alcohol
We’re drinking tequila out o sunscreen bottles.
Mac, Episode 2 - Insult, Appearance
I’m sorry. Is no one gonna talk about Dee’s hair?
Charlie, Episode 3
Breathe in and eat. Separately.
Dennis, Episode 3 - Parenting, America
We can do whatever we want with our kids. And that’s what America’s all about.
Mac, Episode 3 - Insult, Appearance
You look like you’re at your own wake.
Charlie, Episode 3 - Insult
I see amateurs. I see trash.
Dennis, Episode 4
With real power comes real responsibility and I don’t want any of that shit. I just want the money and the illusion of power. And puss.
Dennis, Episode 4 - Insult, Appearance
People don’t trust you, Frank. You’re a piece of shit and you’re ugly and you ooze sleaze and you’re very, very ugly.
Charlie, Episode 4
If you’re not as educated or as informed what you do is you start your own party and you yell the loudest.
Mac, Episode 4
Goddamnit! I don’t know how to express myself unless through anger and personal attack!
Dennis, Episode 5 - Insult, Appearance
Everyone’s a lot fatter than I expected them to be.
Frank, Episode 5
I immersed myself in the culture, tasting the cuisine. But mostly doing cocaine.
Episode 5
Frank: When it's white people, it's surviving. When it's black people, it's looting.
Dee: No, Frank. It's because the white people are stealing bread and the black people are stealing speakers.
Frank, Episode 7 - Internet, Liar
Everybody lies on the Internet.
Mac, Episode 9 - Alcohol
I drank three bottles of champagne and hung out with a stray dog all night under a bridge. It was sweet.
Charlie, Episode 9 - Insult
Everyone knows who Superman is and it’s not you!
Frank, Episode 11
Black butts are good!
Dennis, Episode 11 - Insult
Do not talk to me for the rest of the night and know that I won’t be talking to you because you lower my stock.
Dennis, Episode 11
I’m going to wait right here and wait for my minions to swarm me.
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