...That woman in the shampoo commercial - she's happy. She's... she's too happy.

All the commercials on TV today are for antidepressants, for Prozac or Paxil. And they get you right away. "Are you sad? Do you get stressed, do you have anxiety?" "Yes, I have all those things! I'm alive!"

And now I've got to explain the smell that was in there before I went in there. Does that ever happen to you? It's not your fault. You've held your breath, you just wanna get out, and now you open the door and you have to explain, 'Oh! Listen, there's an odor in there and I didn't do it. It's bad.'

At least if there's static or something you have a warning. You have an indication that you're going to lose the call. Actually, there's nothing worse than it being crystal-clear reception and you've been rambling on for who knows how long, only to find out that it cut off who knows how long ago.

Bologna is just salami with an inferiority complex.

But seriously, I think overall in the scheme of things winning an Emmy is not important. Let's get our priorities straight. I think we all know what's really important in life - winning an Oscar.

Chances are if you need both of your hands to do something, your brain should be in on it, too.

Even when we say, "How are you?" we don’t mean, "How are you?" - we don't care. Just give us a "fine" or a "good" - a one syllable answer and move along. And don’t even say "pretty good." That's a follow-up question: "pretty good" "something happen?... I don’t... have... time to..."

Every morning, I would come down to the kitchen and I would see myself making coffee and I would think, ‘Oh, she’s pretty’. (on what life would be like with an identical twin)

For me, it’s that I contributed, ... That I’m on this planet doing some good and making people happy. That’s to me the most important thing, that my hour of television is positive and upbeat and an antidote for all the negative stuff going on in life.

Golden eagles have an interesting way of mating, where they connect in the air while flying at eighty miles an hour and then they start dropping and they don’t stop dropping until the act is completed. So it’s not uncommon that they both fall all the way to the ground, hit the ground, and both of them die. That’s how committed they are to this. I thought to myself, ‘Boy, don’t we feel like wimps for stopping to answer the phone.’ I don’t know about you, but if I’m one of these two birds, you’re getting close to the ground… I would seriously consider fakin’ it.

Have you ever heard somebody sing some lyrics that you've never sung before, and you realize you've never sung the right words in that song? You hear them and all of a sudden you say to yourself, 'Life in the Fast Lane?' That's what they're saying right there? You think, 'Why have I been singing 'wipe in the Vaseline?' How many people have heard me sing 'wipe in the Vaseline?' I am an idiot.

I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.

I don’t need a baby growing inside me for nine months. For one thing, there’s morning sickness. If I’m going to feel nauseous and achy when I wake up, I want to achieve that state the old fashioned way: getting good and drunk the night before.

I don’t understand the sizes anymore. There’s a size zero, which I didn’t even know that they had. It must stand for, ‘Ohhh my God, you’re thin.’